"His Voice" - Rima Pande Talks Dealing with Father's End of Life Care and Aging with Dignity
“Writing this book started a therapeutic experience for me, helping me deal with a bunch of emotions that come with such life experiences” Today’s woman dreamer, Rima Pande, a strategy consultant with a passion for the social sector, reflects on her recently published book, “His Voice”. A powerful memoir, Rima reflects on her journey with her father, who suffered two strokes and was bedridden and unable to communicate. She shares her experience of navigating her father’s end of life care, and the importance of aging with dignity. Rima “hopes this book will help anyone who has gone through, is currently going through or may face crisis situations, which unfortunately many of us do and are very unprepared for.”
1. You have launched a book "His Voice" which is centered around dignified aging and end of life care. What was your motivation behind this book and what do you hope to accomplish with this book?
My father had two successive strokes within a month, leaving him paralyzed and unable to speak or communicate in any manner. For two years, my mother served him, supported by amazing family, friends and helpers. She set a positive, respectful, uplifting, happy tone in the house. He was surrounded by people, music, conversation - what my book editor calls the “circle of love and care”. We stared at the constantly changing expressions on his face for clues - was he too hot, too cold, in pain, hungry, uncomfortable, attentive, tired, sleepy, somewhat happy? We searched for direction, pretending to understand what he would like us to do, doing it, then searching for an imperceptible nod of approval. When he slept, I wondered what was going through his mind, trying to immerse myself in his stream of consciousness.
Writing this book started a therapeutic experience for me, helping me deal with a bunch of emotions that come with such life experiences - confusion, denial, hope, frustration, grief, regret. I really missed him. His death, even though we had two years to prepare, created a giant vacuum in my life. I finally realized that parents are people, not superhumans you can take for granted forever. I wrote the book a few months after we lost him, did not share the manuscript with anyone for many years till 2020 when I drummed up the courage to have a few people read it, and hesitatingly decided to publish it. Mainly to draw attention to the challenges associated with aging and disability, the immense physical, mental and emotional burden on caregivers, and how important it is to think about healthcare decisions holistically. And do so from the patient’s point of view.
2. Your book, among other things, is also about respect, resilience and realism. Tell us more about the content of your book.
His Voice is a first-person narrative of my father’s unspoken thoughts and emotions during the two years he was bedridden, as he very thoughtfully dealt with a crisis where he has lost complete control of his life. The narrative of his current state is interspersed with memories of key life experiences that shaped him as a person. I called it His Voice because it is all about him losing his voice/ ability to communicate and about me trying to be my father's voice.
Every ordinary person has an extraordinary, unique and interesting life story. This is one such story. It is a memoir of sorts. This story puts the reader into the mind of a person facing a monumental crisis, takes them on a journey where they experience events from his point of view. The tone of the book reflects his personality – thoughtful, positive, calm, never depressing. Despite the gravity of the situation, the book is not heavy reading - it never descends into “jarring sentimentality”.
To me, His Voice is about 3 Rs - Respect, Resilience, Realism. First and foremost, respect - how important it is to maintain the dignity of a person who is in a helpless state. In such situations, we also need immense resilience – as we work with what life throws at us without breaking down. We also need a dose of realism, understanding that effort may not always yield the results one hopes for, while not giving up. And a 4th R - His Voice is about relationships - spousal commitment, the parent-child bond, and family support.
3. What is your dream for the book? What do you hope readers take away from your story?
I hope readers will pause, acknowledge and appreciate the key relationships in their life. I hope they will think about how they view and interact with people who are not fully functional. And I hope this book will help anyone who has gone through, is currently going through or may face crisis situations, which unfortunately many of us do and are very unprepared for.
Bio: I am a strategy consultant by profession, with a strong interest and passion for equitable socio-economic development. I have engaged with the social sector in different ways over the years, including co-founding a non-profit marketing company in the US for India-based social organizations. I enjoy parenting three amazing kids, unstructured and experimental cooking, and “maximum” travel. i.e. squeezing in as much sight-seeing as possible when I visit a new place, especially places with rich historic and cultural legacy. My favorite leisure activity is sitting outside in my Adirondack chair with a book when it is sunny and 22 Celsius.